Life is so Beautiful.......

Someone sent this message to me – “Whatever the future holds, whatever our decisions may be, I can only hope and pray that it will be for the best.”
How I wish the sender would understand me when I said to him that “if I will rest it might be forever..”
Life is so beautiful however it’s not forever that we live.. since April 6 I have been experiencing this pain on my right arm affecting the right side of my chest and back.. I have been so restless at night when this pain attacks me and I am so afraid to consult a Doctor as I do not know if the Doctors here are very good.. it’s only my sister who is a Doctor knew about this and she calls me from time to time encouraging me to go to a Doctor.. how I wish to go home and be treated there but I am not prepared yet – I would rather send the money to sustain the education of those children I am supporting now than to spend money for my treatment.. I believe God has a very kind heart and I have faith that I will be healed soon.. on the other hand, I must accept if this is God’s will and I must surrender to His will..
How I hope and pray that when that day comes that I have to go, I would see first all the people I love so much and they would always remember me when I am gone.. In my lifetime, I have been trying to do my best to inspire and love everyone and I am so sorry for the shortcomings I have done.. God bless!

Never Give Up!!!!!!!

It's Independence Day and so nice jogging with friends early this morning along the boardwalk of La Corniche.......

I'M GONNA BE READY.......

BONJOUR 2011, GOOD BYE 2010! Not much to say now as I do not know what would be next..all i want to believe and would like to claim is - I'M GONNA BE READY! (inspired by the song of Yolanda Adams - I'm Gonna Be Ready)

Let the Good Times Flow or Let the Tears Flow.......

Many times I promised to move on.. to forget him completely.. in my previous write-ups, always I consider not to cry anymore but every time I know I am just cheating myself as that is not what I truly feel.. here I am again, crying and could not understand why should I feel this way – I replied to his mail that I am really happy for his great achievements but I could feel deep inside me the truth my heart is very lonely.. As I am writing this I am playing the album of Sonia entitled “Let the Good Times Flow” - the same album I gave him when we were still in Singapore.. Just as the songs being played, I also “let my tears flow” from my eyes!!!!!!! When would that time comes when I do not love him anymore and realize that I should not cry because he never loves me?!?

One Saturday Dusk at La Corniche.......

One Saturday…….just wanted to freeze and wishing you are there – viewing the dusk!

As Time Goes By.......

Thanks a lot, HC for your e-mail when you learned that I’m here in Casablanca and letting me know that your name is synonymous with the main actor’s real name, Humphrey, of the movie Casablanca. I would like to thank Liz for sharing a copy, that for curiosity I’ve just finished watching it - I did not much appreciate the movie as I was expecting a different ending although I love the song “As Time Goes By..” And one thing that inspired me is the statement of Richard as his parting words - “am doing this and someday you will realize it…” I could relate my experience in Singapore wherein I insisted going back and forth but nothing made me a better person there. When I said to HC that I miss Singapore – he is right when he said that “We grumble when we are here but miss it when we are away. Anyway, Singapore awaits your return.” I know as time goes by, Singapore would be a different memoir for me and as I am here in Casablanca I must move on and try to realize that someday the Man whom I met in Singapore was just the one I used to love and never reciprocated that love as it’s so impossible to happen!

Be Yourself, No Matter What They Say.......

It’s Mawazine 2010 – Festival de Musiques et Rythmes du Monde at Rabat. Last night, somebody invited me to watch the concert of Sting. So we traveled from Casablanca to Rabat and at the meeting place there’s this Artists’ Exhibit and I am so amazed to see all the exotic artworks being displayed. I was able to buy a simple item from the artist Maryline Bottero and while going around, it reminded me of someone when I saw those coffee table books about the various places in Morocco which are similar in presentation as the “Shining Through” book. Good thing my attention was called that I was able to divert my emotion as it was suggested that we had dinner first at a Thai Restaurant ( I forgot the name) as the concert is scheduled to start at 9:30PM.. At the concert, I could not forget a certain phrase of Sting’s first song which is “…be yourself, no matter what they say…” Am trying to change my lifestyle here now when outside the workplace as I still have to uphold my dignity and professionalism in the Company.. last Friday, I went home late as my friends invited me to have fun at La Bodega and I experienced this after so many years since the time I had my last dance - I was trying to project that I was fine then while dancing although I could feel the wines I drunk already sinking into my head so I decided to invite my friends to go home already as it's also getting late already and anticipating that as usual, every Saturday early morning, my parents would call me from the USA and I have to get up early and pretend as if everything is fine with me here… so nice to be in another place, away from home just trying to “be yourself, no matter what they say” as the song goes as long as my weekends would be full of activities otherwise, I would feel I am not complete!

Better City, Better Life, Better People.......

Oh thank God it’s Friday and just arrived home as I had dinner with my two housemates at Le Corniche, Casablanca – I drank Martini and Capuccino and could be the reason why I am still awake now.. As I am browsing websites, guess what I read?!? Am so happy to read that after a long time, I’ve never had updates about him since our last exchange of e-mails.. how I wish to see what he contributed in that project and he is truly right in saying – BETTER CITY, BETTER LIFE, BETTER PEOPLE! To wherever we are, I wish you nothing but all the very best…….

Until when.....

I thank God I feel better now unlike last weekend that I felt so weak due to abdominal pain.. Are you really happy or just projecting to be happy? It’s another year had passed and still hoping that someday I would be able to completely forget that time I last saw him….. Until when shall i feel that i am not happy on Labor Day!!!!!

Merci!!!!!!!

I just called my parents who are in the USA right now and as usual they are worried about me here in Casablanca, Morocco.. I assured them that I’m fine and my Mom advised me not to be too harsh in the office and I just laughed at her as she thought I could be tough just like when I was in our home country.. yes, I got a great job, position and pay here but what for?!? Still a stranger in this place and away from home.. When I had a meeting this afternoon with our Moroccan tax consultants who could hardly speak English, I realized that I really have to enroll in a French school soon as I could not also understand well what they are discussing to me.. fortunately, my Chief Accountant is very good in French and English so we were able to settle our concerns and issues.. and all I can say - Merci!!!

If Only.......

Yesterday, I visited my house together with our housemaid and did some cleaning as it's been months that I was not able to visit the place.. While helping in the cleaning of the rooms as the maid was busy outside fixing and removing grasses in the simple garden around the house, I heard her saying (in the local dialect) "I pity the owner of this house for she never tried to stay in this place and how i wish someone would take her heart for her to be happy and i will still be willing to serve her.." I paused for a while watching her through the glass windows, pulling unwanted grasses around the ornamental plants, smiled at her and said that's really my wish too and turned my back as my tears about to fall from my eyes.. we reached home late already and since i could hardly fall asleep, i continued watching the movie of Jennifer Love Hewitt entitled "If Only" (which i was able to watch the first part last 6 February) and as i was watching it made me cry again..lately, i've been trying to compose myself as i have a very significant decision to make in my life and as advised by my parents, brothers and sisters and closed friends - i will pursue where i believe i would be happy! Yes, IF ONLY it is so easy that i could do and express all what's inside my heart then i would not be crying everytime I pray to God..I am very sorry for I should not feel this way..I must always believe in You and You know what's best for me!

Wherever....... all the best!

I am here in one of the villas of Misibis Bay and It’s almost 5AM now but I am still awake even I already took one glass of Martini.. I am here not for pleasure but for an official activity – the corporate finance team is here for the year-end inventory- taking and there were so many findings noted. The operation of a resort is not such an easy job as there are so many things to consider but the most important area to be controlled effectively and systematically is the procurement/ purchasing business unit. While talking to the Chef earlier this evening, he mentioned that a foreigner guest requested lobsters to be served for his 28 guests tomorrow but the Purchasing was able to buy 25 pieces only which means there’s short in delivery.. what amazed me was when the Chef mentioned about Seychelles as he remembered that small island which has abundant seafood produce and when I asked how did he know about the place, he replied that he stayed in that place for three weeks. How I wanted to tell him that he is very fortunate to see that place as that’s one of my wishes but I just nodded and smiled - would there be always encounters to remind me of the Man from Seychelles? How would I know if he and his family are fine most especially his son who has cancer and his project? Although I was advised by my closest friend, Liza not to worry about person/s who for sure does not even care to worry about me – I could not understand myself why I still feel sad whenever I remember him….. at this time there’s nothing else to be wished for but all the best for wherever we are…..

You First Believed.......

For the past months, I’ve been focusing too much on my business trips just trying to divert myself so I would not be too emotional – I thought sleepless nights working for the Company’s various projects, by not opening my e-mails, no searching in the web, etc. are the best deals for me to get over easily but oh no, my heart still beats fast when something relive the memory of once in my life I was in love with someone who is very complicated.. I am here in my hotel room doing some reports for the Office and tears just falling from my eyes when I heard the song “You First Believed” by Hoku being played in my laptop player.. yes, so many wishes and prayers that all the best would come into my life and that someday I would not cry anymore! The year is about to end and as I am planning for what I would do and where will I go next year – definitely, included in the list would be my visit to his place at the end of the year.....

In Perfect Shape.......

It has been a week since am back home and early tomorrow I shall be leaving again for a business trip..many things happened over the week and am now noted for being so upfront in the office and i told my officemates that it's my nature to say what's in my mind and heart and i shared that the most unforgettable one and my first time to do so was when i expressed my love to a Man and said goodbye afterwards..they were shocked but for sure they did not much understand what i said so i just laughed and smiled..yes, it's been more than a month but seems not so easy to recover especially when there are things and happenings that would remind and refresh my feelings just like when Benny was showing to me his "book-type" presentation then suddenly i was out of focused again so after that i have to SMS him and apologized for not being attentive. I do not know what's going on with the Man and his son now and i do not understand why i have to be like this.. I must move on and just like the Mount Mayon Volcano that after its many eruptions still in perfect shape.......

The Happiness within......

My momentum to work today is not much at peak - one factor could be due to my early rise this morning.. I woke up at around 4:45am when Benny knocked at my room and had to get up to lock the main door as he was leaving for an early business trip to one of our Company project sites.. i just got his message that he had a great experience in his trip! Another reason could be my decision not to work at Embarcadero today as I opted just to stay here at our Head Office and while reviewing some financial reports I saw two young teenagers doing the filing of some office documents across my working area. I approached them and asked who they are and I was surprised to know that they are one of our Company student scholars! For curiosity, I interviewed them and narrated to me how they became scholars and how they cope up with their studies and family lives. They are still young and yet working hard just to have school allowance and free tuition fees and despite that they look very happy. . and slowly I realized how blessed I have been and somehow felt guilty as I never much appreciated what I have now! Before they left the area, I got their names and addresses and I suddenly recalled what I started before but discontinued - my dream to establish a Foundation providing education to those less fortunate. I guess it’s not yet late to pursue this…….

The Sleeping Lion.......

Since Monday I am here in Embarcadero for the usual business visit and now I have to slow down as I feel not stressed but maybe just homesick.. I was trying to roll up the glass window blinds at my office room when suddenly I felt relaxed as it’s only now that I notice the very nice view of the mountain across our office building – looks like a virgin forest! So I called a staff and asked if I could trek over that mountain this weekend and he just smiled and said that mountain is being called “a sleeping lion” derived from its shape and advised me just take a walk around it as there’s road surrounding the mountain’s foot but no available trail for mountain climbers.. well, I have to make a wonderful plan on how to dig in this weekend!

WHAT'S NEXT???????

Time flies so fast and the year is about to end…hoping for another wonderful and more blessed year to come! This I realized while walking (down the streets just across my office building) to meet the Man again who has offered me to join in his company.. I was talking to the receptionist at the lobby when suddenly I heard someone calling my name and yes, it’s him and he introduced me to his business Consultant – an old man! I was not bit comfortable as I do not know how to inform the Man about my decision with the Consultant around. And while discussing with the Consultant about my professional background, the Man left the conference room then I felt more relaxed.. after few minutes, the Man came back and I was amazed because he knew what’s in my mind about my decision on his offer - that I would join after the end of this year.. I explained that I have commitments with my present job and I have to finish all what I could before the year ends.. he asked me if it would be possible to join after one month, I just smiled and replied NO! I did this not because of what my mind thought should be done but what my heart dictated the best for me .. and whatever would be the Man’s decision after this meeting then so be it....... WHAT’S NEXT - I believe that would be God’s will!!!!!!!

A KEEN FOLLOWER.......

I left the office early last Monday to finally meet the Man whom Joy had long scheduled for me to meet.. The Man is a young, good-looking businessman engaged in luxurious jewelry and watches retail shops (as exclusive distributor of Swiss & German watches) at the same time a known jeweler as his father started this family business. The usual introduction took place and after I introduced myself, the Man expressed his interest in me and offered me to join his company. As he was delightfully discussing his 15-year plans for his business, I just kept still as this scenario was so familiar to me and how I wanted to tell him STOP but I was interrupted when he suddenly asked me what’s going on (obviously he noticed me that my mind was drifting).. I felt so embarrassed as this is unfair to him - he is so nice and kind enough to wait for me and yet here I am going crazy on something I already closed doors.. Further he said, “You look unhappy, I thought you are interested to join in the business as my CFO” the more I felt embarrassed but I tried to project smartly – I smiled and explained that I was thinking of my CMA studies first quarter of next year.. I was able to breathe well when he asked what CMA is and I told him that I wish to be a Certified Management Accountant then he assured me not to worry as it is fine with him. He gave me one week to think it over but last Thursday I got an e-mail regarding the salary offer and seems he is really serious about it. The question is would I accept it? The more I am asking myself about this the more I could not decide and this morning when I woke up I remembered what the old Man said in “The Alchemist” – To realize one’s destiny is a person’s only obligation and, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it. Is he the Man destined to help me overcome my emotional distress now? How I wish my mind would overrule my heart to answer YES AND FORGET THAT I WAS ONCE JUST A KEEN FOLLOWER.......

Adventures in a Dream.......

On my way to the office this morning, I exclaimed after a sleepless night – “Go Girl everything will be fine today!!” but not so long I breakdown… Before I attended my meeting this morning, I checked out my mails and able to open a mail from the Man whom I am trying to get out of my system... Trying to project that I have to deliver effective ideas in the meeting I could feel pain from my operation wound and becoming unbearable so I have to excuse and advised them that I am not feeling well.. so I left the office at lunchtime and called my Mom that I am on my way home and as expected everybody panicked as this is so unusual of me.. when my Mom entered my room and saw me crying as I could no longer bear the pain wanted me to bring to the hospital but I said no as I am afraid that the Doctor would advise another operation and would be necessary for me again.. My Mom has no option but to call my sister, the Doctor, and gave me some medicines to ease the pain and I was able to sleep.. so here I am just woke up and trying to express myself with the aid of this blogger.. As I checked my mobile phone, there’s a “missed call” with no registered name and it could be my Big Brother as yesterday was the end of the Holy Ramadan.. another thing to settle as I asked a favor from him.. when the Man started sending me updates on his tourism projects and even he did not ask help from me regarding financial matters I discussed with my Big Brother about possible investment in the Man’s country and agreed to invest as long as I provide him the details.. and now how could I explain to him not to continue anymore as for sure he will be worried about me.. Just years ago, when I opened up to him about the Man he advised to keep communicating with the Man and continue praying for his son who has Cancer.. My Big Brother is not my biological brother and although he is a Muslim he guides and advises me a lot as if we belong to the same religion and sometimes he acts as if he is my father.. he always wishes me to be happy and to marry the man whom I deserve. Things happened so fast and now I have to face realities and wishing all these happenings were just a dream and that one morning I would wake up and say - I had a very wonderful dream which made me a better person today!!!!!!!

Touched by an Angel..

The greatest wish I had in my life was to live independently - far away from home, from my parents -to live alone and not dependent on maids for household chores, in other words – just a simple living on my own! When my bestfriend invited me to have a short vacation trip in Singapore on November 2006 I had no second thought and without much ado we took our flight to Singapore.. When I was there, I immediately felt and claimed that this is the place for me to live on my own.. as compared to my USA trip a year before that, wherein I could not move around without a driver.. In Singapore, it’s different as if everything is within my reach and feel so secured.. so when I came back home I immediately decided that I will go back to that country the following year and wished to pursue a better career life in Singapore.. I tendered my resignation then in my Company and scheduled my trip without knowing that the day of my flight was the celebration of the Chinese Lunar New Year.. This decision was a “shocking news” to my family as everybody worried about how I could cope up with the day-to-day activities on my own without any assistants or helper to do it for me.. but I assured them that I can and everything will be fine. When I reached Singapore, many unexpected things happened and most of the time, part of my daily routines was to send out resumes for job applications but only few favorably responded. And so to make my stay worthwhile I searched via internet for an organization to join as volunteer. Fortunately, a very friendly coordinator named Veronica of the Eurasian Foundation immediately responded to my application.. I enjoyed my daily routines living on my own without minding so well that two months already had passed yet still jobless.. I was spending a lot for my daily needs especially for my shelter as I was renting a place then until I met someone named “Ate Emma” who suggested a good idea wherein I could pay less for my shelter.. I concurred to her suggestion with her condition that I will pretend as her cousin – I never mentioned to my family about it – all the while they thought that I was still renting a place.. I moved in to a place wherein there’s no formal introduction as to whom the place is – the only contact I had was Ate Emma and tendered to me a note with two calling cards from the Man who I thought would be my landlord. Few days after I moved in the place, the Man arrived and since it’s our first meeting we introduced to each other about who we are. Many topics were discussed – some nice and some not desirable.. As I observed that he was so drunk, I tried to compose myself not to show that I had fear knowing that we are alone in the place and he is a total stranger before my eyes.. Honestly, it was my first time to meet a man like him – a very mysterious man! When he was discussing about his self, my mind was wondering and trying to figure out what kind of man he really is – And as I was analyzing every word he was saying, I felt becoming apathetic and consciously in my mind words whispering – “I hate you. You are a very vicious man!” That night of almost two-hour “getting to know each other” meeting turned differently when he showed me a local newspaper of their country and told me to read an article in three minutes, I was shocked to see the statement that the publication of his book had coincided with the hospitalization of his 3-year old son with blood cancer…after reading that – as if my world rotated 360 degrees and felt as if I was touched by an Angel..